Mind Alteration at the Korean Spa

I shook inside

in the ice cold pool

the water jets pelting the toxins out of my kidneys.

 

I shook inside

finally, nothing else matters

until I emerged into the homecoming embrace of the hot tub

and cried at the flashes of me in line waiting to order a smoothie

with an eager, sexless child-like smile.

 

I shook inside

three times

I didn’t go to sleep

I slept inside

but I did not go to sleep

 

Cold pool

Hot pool

Cold pool

Hot pool

Cold pool hot pool

 

Money well spent on a natural high.

 

Go away, gross stuff, get out, get out.

I smelled cold cut cucumbers

as the ice oozed into my internal

I could smell their green

while my head slowly wobbled back and forth.

 

Oh! The pain of first contact.

I whimpered and for once I was truly out of control

and then I sat

while the ice age sloshed in

and rocked me back and forth like a buoy

In the cold pool ocean where nothing else matters.

 

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A Bad, Late Start

Sigh, another bootstrapper, why can I still not spot you from a mile away?

I am tired of your victim-blaming.

Also, I am tired of the cycle

it sharpens with age,

so let it go.

 

Take your finger out of my humanity

I am busy existing.

 

I was always to blame:

the smile I don’t give

the gratitude I didn’t scream

the enthusiasm I don’t show

the makeup I don’t wear

the tragically deformed hair

the crumbs I don’t hoard

the crumbs that I do

the cheap, satin material my heart is made out of

that I didn’t sew back together

when it was ripped.

 

I refuse to OWN the cycle

the way society owns me

But you knock yourself out

point your finger in my humanity

in a matter of time

I will slap it away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exposed Brick

The push and pull

The endless walking

the lengthy corporate park

sidewalks

That matches the fight

for another

do again

do over

another brick in the wall.

Do the work

do it with heart

NO!

Start over

another brick in the wall.

 

Hysterical Woman’s Battle Cry

I lie down and all around me I die

gone;

I raise my head and I start again

(maybe it’s just my imagination).

The moon is partial

no spiritual magic tonight:

I lie down and all around me I die

gone.

I sank into the image of your

dipped body

palms all over

let go, the true meaning of release

steam

dim

candles

tea lights

release

let go.

Wet

dripped

covered

desired

wanted

natural

tan

blonde

chest hair

(maybe it’s just my imagination)

Creatures tumble from above, the leaves softly rattle

Enter cats

I lie down and all around me I die

gone

I dwelled on your promises the way I always do

But then reality punches out my teeth

(maybe it’s just my imagination).

I should have conformed, squelch, cringe

At least there would have been a Tempurpedic mattress above floor

I lie down and all around me I die

gone.

FIVE WAYS THAT POLICE THE INTIMATE LIVES OF MIXED RACE WOMEN- AND WHY THEY ARE PROBLEMATIC

For those of us who are socially conscious, it’s difficult (sometimes impossible) to not see the pattern of unfair control that people in power have over minorities.

But for every marginalized person whose humanity has been acknowledged, respected and equalized, there are just as many who remain trapped in a cycle of subjugation.
Mixed race women are one of them.
I am not, under any circumstances, saying that mixed race women (and other non-amended minorities) are hopeless victims. Nor am I saying that every single one of their multidimensional livelihoods are treated as such.
Like many women of all races, the romantic and sexual autonomy of mixed race women has not been taken kindly. Misogyny and racism team up in a violent attempt to conserve bigoted social constructions. Despite the pain and humiliation this has caused me, I am grateful to understand this as oppression and resist it accordingly. If you do not, that’s okay! That is why I wrote this article- to help others become aware and push back so that we can arrive at our final destination of justice.

On that note, here are five common ways that police the intimate lives of mixed race women and why they are troubling:

1) Pressuring/Forcing Them to Be Attracted to/ Intimate With Another Mixed Race Person With the Exact Same Racial Makeup

Not only does this promote racial segregation, but it also disrespects what mixed race girls and women actually want if it is not intimacy with another mixed race person who has the same racial admixture.

2) Pressuring/Forcing Them to Be Attracted to/Intimate with Monoracial Minorities that the Mixed Race Woman Is Only Partially Racially Similiar To

This erases and invalidates mixed race women by lumping them in with people who are completely what they are fractionally.

3) Assuming They are Lesbian if They Are Not Attracted To Men Who Are/Appear To Be Partially or Completely “Like Them”

This is especially problematic because it operates under the ridiculous conviction that all people are ONLY attracted to other people who are the opposite sex and same race. If this line of thought is disproved in any way shape or form, a mixed race woman (as well as many other kinds of people who “challenge” the “status-quo”), is instantly branded as a monosexual lesbian. As if multiracial attraction is impossible for heteros. Major exceptions are cis-het white men attracted Asian women (considered “normal”) and heterosexual white women of all gender identities who are attracted to ethnic men (considered “abnormal”).

4) Assuming They Don’t Have A Love/Sex Life Because of their Real and/or Perceived Racial Makeup and Are Distressed About It

This one is self explanatory. Kinda insulting, huh?

5) Believing That Any Sort of Intimate Contact with Another Person Who Is/Appears to be Racially Adjacent to Them Is the Answer to All of Their Real and/or Perceived Problems

To quote the great Michael Stipe, “everybody hurts.” In many places around the world, people (most often cis-gendered women) are told that if they fall in love, get married and have children, they will never hurt again. Some restrictions may apply. Please see people who meet your society’s definition of “normal” for details.

Identicalness is not a requirement for deep human connection because all human beings are different. Some differences are complementary. Others are irreconcilable. Regardless, human bonding is not necessary for survival. Humans are a highly evolved species who live on a planet that’s running out of room. We will not become extinct if we don’t socialize with people who are “just like us.”

So whether a mixed race woman prefers to alone or with others, her way of socializing is not monolith. Please try to understand this.

Training

You were trained

to homicidally fear

the vagina.

 

You were trained

to kill

in the name of magical paper.

Your only friend.

 

I was trained

to suicidally fear

the penis.

I was trained

to be a never ending cycle.

In the name of normalcy.

 

The sunset

I thought I could run towards

and capture

I can run, I reasoned

I’ll run really fast

and I’ll catch it as it sets behind a mountain.

 

 

Hopeless Woman

The chronology

of human existence

shows up

long as a scroll.

 

Oh, you’re here

 

I, the one that doesn’t look good in suburban coddle.

 

This brain

this past.

Illegal as sin, imagine it, ha!

 

I slipped in

this is why we need better security

to keep that mind

that brain

that past

 

OUT

 

Fine.

I’d rather be in the terrifying vastness of land

that lets you breathe

Than a plush jail cell

Where your rhinestone handcuffs trick you into thinking that you’re better than me

As you dream about breathing

in a vast, terrifying land.